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"You can be shattered, and then you can put yourself back together piece by piece…no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot fit into your old life anymore."
– Glennon Doyle
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Day 26!
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This wasn’t the easiest issue for me to put together. I knew this week would mark my mom’s birthday as well as the 20th anniversary of her death, and it was clear that there could be no other issue than one about grief.
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With Lucy in Calistoga
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But as I was preparing the issue, my home in California burned to the ground in the middle of the fires. If you’ve ever said to yourself, what else could happen in 2020? well, for me, this week it did, and it’s devastating on many levels. And yet, here I am.
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One of the last pictures taken of me and my mother
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The 20th anniversary of the loss of my mother is significant. It is monumental for me that my most-loved person has been gone 20 years. This may sound simple, but it took me 15 years to understand: the love is still here. When I pause and close my eyes, I can feel my love for my mom, and I can feel her love for me. I've learned that the love stays alive, even when the person is gone. Simple, but true.
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On the bottom of some of the pottery pieces in the line, we've placed good luck symbols. This rooster represents my mom.
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It's important for me to celebrate her birthday, not her death day, because out of her 68 years–-nearly 25,000 days on the planet—the day she died is the least important one.
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I named Patty Bowls after my mother, and I love to say and hear her name every day.
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Grief is different for everyone. For me, it hit hard from the start, and I had to work my way through it a day at a time. It was truly the worst period of my life. I have learned that there’s no way around loss. You can try to avoid it, or try to go around it, but the only way out is through. A powerful key was the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. It met me right where I was and pulled me through my darkest hour.
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I also learned that when you're grieving, people you never could have imagined will show up and be there for you. And others may not. But the people you need to be there will be there, even if it looks different from what you’d expected. The loss of my mother felt a bit like a club I had unwillingly joined, and if you too are a motherless daughter, you know what I mean.
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Family and Friends in Calistoga
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During the process, I realized that my life could either collapse, or I could pursue joy, and in memory of my mother I have tried to live every day in a way she would be proud of. To allow my life to collapse would not have honored the memory of a woman who had lived her own life with joy and spread joy everywhere she went. Pursuing joy and making a difference has been key.
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The fire has left me feeling devastated and unmoored. I am holding my friends in Calistoga in my heart. It is a sanctuary that has brought me such peace from the moment I first stepped foot on the property and breathed the air many years ago.
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Friends and family celebrating in Calistoga
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I was truly lucky to find a community of people there whom I hold very dear. With my children and other family living in California, it is where we spend time together and celebrate holidays. It has been an unbelievable blessing, but it is an unbelievable loss as well. And for this devastation to happen on my mom's birthday, which is practically a national holiday for me, was almost too much to bear. I know the grieving process takes time and perspective, so I continue to remind myself: the only way out is through.
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Enjoying one of my last visits to Calistoga
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In addition to my reflections, this week we have asked some profoundly helpful contributors to talk about grief.
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Inspiration From This Week's Contributors
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Barri preparing for Memory Circle
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We keep my mom alive by telling stories about her and writing about and to her. Grandma Ellen never knew my girls. We honor her memory by making charm bracelets to commemorate travel and events, along with speaking her name and looking for signs like ladybugs and 4:44, which show she’s near. We buy a treat “from” her on birthdays. Asking for their advice, listening for it, and doing what our loved ones loved keeps them close. We honor, remember, and reflect. The arc of grief is long, but we can learn to make meaning of it in new ways.
Barri Leiner Grant, Chief Grief Officer™️
@thememorycircle
thememorycircle.com
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Sara and Karen
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The unexpected loss of our precious 19-year-old daughter, Sara, has changed me. Though grief is as unique as the relationship that was lost, along the journey, you do learn some things. There is no timeline. Grief is a long journey, maybe a forever journey. Be gentle with yourself. You learn to assimilate grief into your being, and it’s horrible, and it’s beautiful. Grief reshapes you. Walk each step that you need to walk, without excuse. Find someone to remind you that you are seen and loved. And most importantly, breathe. Some days that is all you can do. And that is absolutely okay.
Karen Bumpass, Mom
@rkbump
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Finding a Safe Place to Land
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Kevin and his mom
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Chef Amanda Cohen said, “If kitchens are the heartbeats of the home, restaurants are the heartbeat of our cities.” That emotionally stops me in my tracks. I think about being in the kitchen with my Mom, the energy in my home kitchen, and how my life has been shaped by watching people commune in my restaurants. I lost my Mom in March, restaurants were shut down days later, and it seemed I’d lost a key piece of my foundation and a safe place to land to grieve. There is no better place to grieve, heal, and move forward than in the presence and embrace of others.
Kevin Boehm, Co-Founder, Boka Restaurant Group
@kevinboehmboka
bokagrp.com
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Stephanie and her mom
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Teri and I connected over a love of rainbows and our moms named Patty and Patti. This year, I lost both parents and my stepbrother. Grief is a constant companion. It’s also a container for ALL emotion, including passion, joy, and gratitude. My sisters and I have channeled our sorrow into action by creating a non-profit in my mom’s honor to gift women acts of self-care. For example, babysitting money and a manicure for a special-needs mom. My mom always had her nails done in classic red. Learn about our efforts and my experience with grief @cleanerstephanie and @pattisrednails on Instagram.
Stephanie Cahill, R.N., Whole30 Certified Coach
@cleanerstephanie
pattisrednails.org
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Ché F.M.
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Allow grief to inspire an honest, thorough exploration of the emotions and the whys behind them. Allow grief to inspire a new depth of vulnerability that welcomes the highs and lows of the emotional scale. Make space for grief. Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Sit with them. Express them. Find healing in grieving. Anchor in your healing practices. Balance the feelings of grief with love and grounding. Ground and center yourself in the breath. Connect to the breath and meditation to release grief from the heart...from the lungs...from the body. There is irrevocable emotional strength to be gained.
Ché F.M., Meditation Guide
@theblendedbeing
youtube.com/channel/UCeR4h_vt1W0zKdhGhmvlotA
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On Grieving Relationships
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Laura Wasser
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As a divorce attorney I deal with grief on a daily basis. While many associate grief with death, I find it more apropos to associate it with loss. When a relationship ends, you grieve not only the time you devoted to the relationship, but also the loss of all the plans you had for the future. While the loss of a partner, family structure, or romantic relationship necessitates a certain mourning period to experience and deal with the grief, the benefit of time and new beginnings helps heal the heart and promotes hope. Death, divorce, and leaving a job are endings, but they are also beginnings.
Laura Wasser, C.E.O. and Founder
@itsovereasy
itsovereasy.com
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Claire Bidwell Smith
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If we've learned anything during these last six months, it's that we need to give ourselves permission to grieve. Loss of jobs, kids home from school, letting go of a life we once lived--all deserve to be mourned. It's been twenty years since my mother died, and what I know about grief has continued to change and evolve. I know that grief lasts longer than most people anticipate, that we never truly *get* over a loss, and that we must take time to honor all the ways we grieve. My newest book is called Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief.
Claire Bidwell Smith, Author and Grief Expert
@clairebidwellsmith
clairebidwellsmith.com
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I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 17 and found myself desperately trying to understand this loss. I thought I’d miss her less as years passed, but instead, each major life event or unexpected small moment reminded me of her absence. A misconception of grief is that you “get over it” or “move on.” Grief can be incredibly isolating, so I use my music to help people feel less alone and misunderstood. Healing began for me when I learned to embrace grief as part of my story and lean into all its stages.
Frankie Orella, Artist
@frankieorella
frankieorella.com
Stages of Grief Album
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Some things you can learn only from a mother. So, when mine was taken tragically from me, I had no experience with grief. Her story found its way to the front page of USA Today: The Great Flood of 1993, the most devasting ever, claimed my mother as one of its victims. I searched for answers from priests, pastors, and grief counselors. Solace came from a short book by Reverend John Claypool. My mom was a gift. I did nothing to deserve her, and I did nothing to take her away. She was on loan to me while she was among us, and I was lucky to have her.
Willie Harrell, Daughter, Wife, Mom
@willieharrell
facebook.com/willieharrell.cole
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More Inspiration From Crumbles
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"I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be."
– Joan Didion
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Thirteen years ago, I delivered my first child, Will, 16 weeks early. Thirty-six hours later he passed away. I was lost. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know how to move forward. I was sad. I’m very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing people who lifted me up when I couldn’t do it myself. I’m not really sure I believe that time heals all wounds, but I do think it lessens the pain. I’m not the same person I was before this, and I’ve learned that that’s okay. I hope I’m a better mother, a stronger woman, and a kinder human.
Jennifer Frasca, Crumble
@jenniferfrasca
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Acknowledging Grief's Stages
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Thousands of people suffer from illness, chronic pain, and disability. I am one of them. Having been housebound for two years and physically challenged for years prior, I have experienced grief over the loss of the very full, joyful, active, and connected life I had and the future I imagined. I continue to experience the stages of grief, such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, the latter being the hardest. Loss and its accompanying grief can present in many forms, but each experience longs to be acknowledged. Through it all, I have learned that beauty and purpose can coexist with grief and loss.
Sue Mackey, Crumble
Cincinnati, Ohio
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This speaks for itself. I saw it on Instagram and wanted to share. – Teri
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Everything Bowls
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This week in the shop is all about the Patty Bowls, named after my mother, because they are just like my mom: round, soft, and something you want to have in your life every day! To celebrate her this weekend, we are offering a free Patty Bowl with any purchase of $48 or more.
To get your free Patty Bowl, here’s what you do:
1. Click here to the shop and add product(s)of your choice to your cart for $48 or more.
2. Add the Patty Bowl of your choice to your cart.
3. Use the code ILOVEPATTY at checkout to get the Patty Bowl free!
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This Week's Podcast
S1: E37 Grief Reimagined
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In this episode from Season One, I talk with fellow motherless daughter and “ambassador for grief” Barri Leiner Grant about The Memory Circle, which our first podcast together inspired her to create! She helps others explore loss, death, and grief and believes it’s time for our society to change the vernacular around loss.
Listen on:
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I love how the recipes are so easy to follow, and that there is a Magic Elixir for everyone. Stir-fry Infuser is my absolute favorite.
Firmine Salomon, Banker
Orange, New Jersey
@salomofi
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If you want to be featured here with the cookbook, DM Teri and let her know.
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It's Whole30 bonanza week, which means we are giving away three Made In knife sets and three Made In Roasting Pans. Click below and enter for a chance to win!
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