The most surprising thing about my year of "grace" was that I found myself wrestling with faith and God. When the year began, it was my goal to chill out and let God be God. I had written TOYI ELIZABETH and released the story I was born to tell. As you may have noticed, I did not update the blog or this newsletter with any regularity. I rested.
Ironically, the more I rested the more I wrestled. At one point I got really overwhelmed by the pain in the world. As someone who wants desperately for people to understand that God loves them, I became disillusioned by people who refuse to let go of their bitterness and insecurity. People who didn't know me personally were sending messages of positive progress while the people closest to me seem to be saying and doing the same things they've always done. It made me question who I am...again.
I felt stifled. I felt angry. I felt like there was no point in me saying #readyourbible because the people only want God when they are in trouble. Notice...I do not have the (pastoral) gift of shepherding. That ish got on my nerves! People I love got on my nerves. It made me feel as if we, the "big C" Church, are not making much progress. Then I remembered something...
Then Jesus told them, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family." - Mark 6:4
Jesus didn't perform any miracles among the people who knew him best. Peter denied him three times. Phillip still didn't get it at the end. And Thomas! Thomas didn't get it even after Jesus came back to life. Geesh! Once I remembered this aggravating characteristic of people (me included), I decided to revisit The Gospels, the biographies of Jesus. For the last 90 days I've studied Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John to remind me of who Jesus is, what he taught, and how to follow those teachings. After all, that's what makes us disciples.
Like Jacob in Genesis 32:22-32, I wrestled with God. I examined my faith and the way I put that faith into action. I searched my heart and allowed God to show me the planks in my eye so I could better help you pull the splinters out of yours. Jacob emerged from that encounter with God as a new person. He even got a new name. While I'm sticking with Kamryn Adams as my name, I will certainly walk a little differently into 2022.
So why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know that it's okay to wrestle with God. It's okay to examine your faith over and over again. It helps you to better understand what you believe and why. This year of "Grace" I have questioned everything I believe. I have read and studied many perspectives -- some of which sounded ridiculous. The result? I choose Jesus once again. I choose him more than I ever have before and I trust him to rid my life of people and things that don't line up with his plan for me. His grace is sufficient.
I hope that you are closer to God now than you were in January. I pray you have clarity, wisdom, and certainty that God loves you. He loves you so much that he sent his only Son to die for your sins. And THIS is the reason for the season.
Merry Christmas!
Love,
Kamryn |
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